Whenever I begin to feel unsure about a relationship – whether it be professional or personal – it is common practice for me to reflect on what has been happening in that relationship that might be making me feel this way. Each time I do this, there is a common denominator: the relationship is lacking real conversation.
“The conversation is the relationship” – Susan Scott
I’ve experienced this with leaders and colleagues occasionally; I’ve experienced this with my ex-husband and my daughter. Time is not protected for meaningful conversation. Connection starts to resemble quick, surface level exchanges on the fly or via text. Confusion and self-doubt creeps in. Once it starts, effort is required to reengage the flow that comes with regular, respectful conversation. While there might be a relationship or two that are worth walking away from, most are not, and without conversation there is no relationship. So, what do you do?
First, reach out with real intention. Share what you’ve noticed and what you’re longing for. Invite the other person to connect. Second, give space. We never know what others are experiencing. When the lines of communication go silent, temptation to make assumptions and judge begin to sprout. In the case of my daughter, she gets overwhelmed and exhausted; she needs temporary space and time to be alone and gather her thoughts. In the spirit of transparency and growth, it took me a long time to realize and accept this. Pushing someone to talk can have the opposite impact. Third, give thought to how you want to show up and what benefits you want to come from the reconnection. Conversations are powerful, they are the root of relationships. Consider being open to listening, to respecting different perspectives, and to leaving judgment or blame at the door. Lastly, have the conversation and protect space to have more. You get what you give and a relationship worth having requires effort, nurturing, and acceptance.
