Through experience, I have learned that a life without boundaries is a life controlled by the needs of others. While it is an honourable value to be of service to others, there are limits to this. Otherwise, a person can begin to experience unhealthy emotions and physical effects, such as resentment, overwhelm, stress, and burnout.
To truly be of service to others, one needs to be in a positive frame of mind and in possession of physical endurance. This is where the importance of boundaries comes into play. Boundaries are lines that mark a limit, lines not to be crossed. When shared with others, they lay out clear expectations so that misunderstanding and negativity are less likely to transpire. Additional benefits include self-care, confidence, and trust.
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.”
– Brené Brown
Foster self-care
Setting boundaries is a proactive way to foster self-care, because you identify upfront how much you are willing to give before decline in wellbeing starts to set in. As a parent, I have had moments whereby my schedule has been dictated by the needs and wants of my children to get drives – friends, sports, school, work, and the list goes on. At points in my life, I have felt like a mistreated Uber driver. Layered on top of a bustling career there was no time left for me to rest and recharge.
Professionally, I’m certain many can relate to the non-stop connection to work emails that extend into the evenings following a day filled with back-to-back Microsoft Teams meetings. Identifying how much and when is important to help others know when you are willing and able to be there for them and when you are not. Every human being needs to refuel so that they can be their best. Without shared boundaries, time that would be wisely used for self-care is eroded. The impact then spans beyond oneself, impacting the very people intended to benefit from the sense of service provided.
Build confidence
Saying “no” is often difficult for people because it denies someone a request, want, or need. Then we feel bad and others may feel jilted. A big ole negative loop begins to form and everyone hops on the rumination hamster wheel. When we set boundaries and share them upfront, we are not saying “no” rather we are saying “yes” within pre-identified parameters. This creates an alignment of expectations that are set and desired outcomes for all are achieved.
When I receive requests at work, I will regularly review what is currently on my To-Do List and provide a timeframe within which I can meet the request without becoming truly overburdened. I know the time and effort required and I can respond confidently to others. Or, it might be letting my youngest daughter know upfront when I am available to drive her and when I am not. This way, my time is both respected and protected and she can make plans without disappointment. Setting boundaries builds confidence because we can lead with “yes” and preserve the time we need for ourselves and our families. Everyone wins.
Create trust
It’s a disappointing experience when a person is expecting another to deliver on a commitment and they don’t – professional or personal. As human beings, we regularly rely on other people to get things done or to enable us to achieve goals. When we say “yes” to everything without boundaries, something is likely to fall through the cracks becoming delayed or even forgotten.
Setting boundaries helps to keep requests manageable and energy levels stable. When we can keep our commitments, within established boundaries, we build trust, credibility, and ultimately relationships with others. Boundaries support accountability and healthy relationships with people we care about.
Since learning to set and communicate boundaries, I have felt a greater sense of control, balance, and peace. When I start to feel overwhelmed or resentful, it is usually an indicator that I have not set and communicated boundaries. This is my responsibility to own, as are the emotions associated when I don’t have boundaries in place. Somewhere along the journey, I feel like I really did begin to mature – even if, at almost 50 years old, I still have more progress to make.
– Melissa Law
