Have you ever entered a conversation holding a mindset that is not helpful? Pause here and give thought about a conversation that didn’t go so well or felt wrong afterward. It’s usually easier to realize these after the fact than before or even during the conversation. I’ll go first.
During my fifty years of experience, I have had an abundance of conversations that didn’t go well; some were with friends, many were with colleagues, and a LOT were with family. Sometimes it was them, other times it was me, and many times it was both of us who showed up with a mindset that did nothing to support an effective conversation. Have I lost you yet? Hopefully not, it matters.
“To change your life, you have to change yourself. To change yourself you have to change your mindset
– KUSHANDWIZDOM
Whether we realize it or not, we show up for a conversation holding a specific mindset. One that gets me in trouble time and again – especially with family. I start brooding about all the wrongs done by me, real or perceived, and that mindset takes me into an unhelpful rant or attack that yields nothing but the flinging of accusations and hurtful words. Ugly, isn’t it? Might this also sound a little familiar? At work, I may go into a conversation bent of getting a point across with an armload of examples and facts, heels dug deep into the ground. Yep, it’s true and it rarely lands an optimal outcome while also annoying the other person. Doesn’t sound very leader-like, does it?
Before you judge, please know that I am being utterly honest, transparent, and human in sharing this because sometimes that’s what it takes for others to pause and reflect too. The more we do this, the more we learn and accept that we are human, and humans engage in a wide range of behaviours, some of which aren’t all that glowing. From here, we can learn and choose to be more mindful in future.
Therefore, I try to connect with myself to understand what mindset I might be holding before – or even during – a conversation so that I can make a shift if needed. Unhelpful mindsets such as victim, control, action, backward, and fixed to name a few rarely lead to win-win results.
When an unhelpful mindset can be acknowledged, you’re part way there. The simple act of acknowledgment helps to pause and reframe. From here, I give some intentional thought to what might be a more helpful or fitting mindset to engage, such as caring, reflection, ownership, forward, or growth. Intentionally choosing a better mindset supports a more effective interaction. Sometimes I struggle to make the shift – yep, I am after all human. In this circumstance – if I can pause long enough to recognize that I am stuck – I will hold off on having the conversation until I am more open. Time is precious, so why waste it by charging into conversations with negative mindsets that will most likely yield more time and effort, later.
– Melissa Law
