If you’ve been following along the last few blogs, this is where it all leads to…the external stimulus rubs against a personally held value, a thought – audible only to myself – starts streaming through my mind, emotions start to percolate, then whether it is complacency-driven or a big kaboom, the reaction occurs. Either way, it rarely feels good. Here’s an example of how it plays out. {WARNING: It’s not pretty}

  1. Stimulus: A person I care about and was looking forward to spending time with – who I moulded my plans around – bailed on me without acknowledgement, again.
  2. Thought: She always does this to me, over and over again. My day is ruined.
  3. Emotion: I am angry – annoyed, frustrated, let down.
  4. Reaction: I send off a nasty text explicitly stating how disappointed I am and vow not to make any future plans with this person, following which I allowed myself to have a bad day – which of course I took out on other people.

“Although apologies may be accepted, they can’t erase what was said or done, the impact time stamped as an irreversible experience.”

–  Melissa Law

Hey, I warned you it wasn’t pretty, in fact, the truth is that while this example is downright embarrassing it is also vulnerably true. Just like that, I was defined by the emotion without space for any other part of me. I became “angry” as if I were one in the same, anger seething from my pores. In my mind, the thoughts were true and the emotion was a directive. The reaction, well, it didn’t serve either of us very well. I lived yet another bad day, she temporarily ghosted me, time was wasted not speaking with each other, and eventually, I apologized. The thing is, although apologies may be accepted, they can’t erase what was said or done, the impact time stamped as an irreversible experience. Additionally, we never talked through how we got there in the first place, words unsaid laying a path for repetition in the future.

After decades of emotionally charged reactions, I did finally learn that any gratification felt lasts approximately 3.3 seconds before it evaporates, leaving a wake of mess requiring clean-up. Let’s begin exploring the steps I started taking to outmaneuver these unhelpful thoughts and reactions in the upcoming blog posts.

– Melissa Law