I’m still reveling in the “coveted peace” I wrote about last week, the peace that unfolds when I am being intentional, because this is where it all comes together. By choosing to hold space, I create room to be intentional which in turn creates more choice about how I respond in uncertain or tense situations. Rather than giving into reaction or leaving the decision to another person like The Clash did when they sang “should I stay or should I go”, I enjoy choosing a response that resonates with my values. Why? Because it feels fulfilling and this is a feeling that brings me longer-lasting energy as compared to the brief blast of adrenaline that comes from an emotionally fueled reaction.
Through the response I intentionally choose, I can generate an outcome that creates the energy of fulfillment.
– Melissa Law
Now, I’m sure there may be some literal readers out there who might challenge me that a response and a reaction, by definition, are virtually the same. Yay, I googled it, but here’s the differentiator. A response incorporates a pause (aka space) long enough to consider and thereby engineer a desired outcome. Since I cannot control the thoughts and emotions of other people, I focus on doing my best in a way that aligns with purpose (my GPS), values (my signposts), or passion (my fuel). The odds are we’ll walk away from our interaction in better shape than would be the case if I let my immediate reaction lead the way. Here’s an example of how I can express my emotions genuinely while honouring my purpose of igniting possibilities, my value of respect for others, and my passion for helping others be their best self.
As in many relationships, it can sometimes feel a little lopsided when it comes to managing the household and getting familial things accomplished. Bluntly put, there are times when I’m running around doing things at home while my husband is enjoying whatever is on his iPad – for what feels like a really long time. There was a time when I would bring awareness to this observation by delivering a sarcastic remark that accomplished nothing more than a tense exchange, hurt feelings, and a deafening silence. I’m a big girl now and will wholly own this. Thankfully, I have grown since then. Recently we went for a walk and I decided to share what I was experiencing, after creating space.
Me: May I share something with you?
My husband: Sure.
Me: I notice that I’m feeling annoyed.
My husband: Oh, what’s causing you to feel that way?
From here we had a meaningful conversation that helped to ensure we were both acknowledged and working together toward a more desirable and fulfilling outcome – one that accepted each of us for who we are. The key to this? After creating space to intentionally decide how I might respond, I asked for ‘permission’ to share. Once given, I owned my emotion rather than taking it out on my husband. In years past, I would have blamed him for how I was feeling. Really? That was a waste of energy – for myself and my husband. I get it now. I own my emotions and the outcomes of harsh reactions. So, I choose to respond in a way that disarms or diffuses a potentially nasty exchange. I value responding in a way that opens perspective rather than assumes or blames. Through the response I intentionally choose, I can generate an outcome that creates the energy of fulfillment.
– Melissa Law
