In the spring of 2021, I had the privilege of giving The Last Lecture for graduate students at Trent University. Thirty years had passed since I had started the first year of my undergraduate studies. It was a rewarding experience to reflect on what I had learned since then and be invited to share it with graduating students who were ready to take on the world. One of the top three lessons I shared was that the mind can be our greatest asset and our biggest enemy.

 

“You can’t confront an enemy that you aren’t sure is your enemy.”

– Shirzad Charmine

 

We’ve celebrated brilliant minds for centuries. Those with top grades earn early admissions and scholarships to well known universities. New technologies and medical treatments have been created by inquisitive, mentally agile individuals. These are all widely shared, talked about, and remembered. What is not a popular topic for consumption even though it happens with every human being is the control that our internal saboteurs have over the way we think, feel, and respond to life’s everyday challenges. Trust me, they are real and they are driven to sabotage performance, wellbeing, and relationships while stopping us from realizing our full potential.

 

I kid you not. There are several neuroscience studies to prove this. They live in our neural pathways and when triggered, their patterns “hijack” our thinking, feeling, and acting in a combative way. In fact, they’ve been there since childhood. Once thought to be a helpful voice, a way of guiding us to navigate our environment so that we might survive, our saboteurs became rooted by adulthood and began to wreak havoc on how we show-up and experience life. They tell us that acceptance is conditional, that the unknown is to be feared, and that anxiety is the only way to cope with things outside our control. Still skeptical?  Consider the following examples and take note of any that feel familiar.

  • Waking up in the night worrying about something.
  • Beating yourself up for the way you handled a situation.
  • Judging or blaming others for how things are.
  • Replaying conversations in your head over and over again.
  • Holding back from trying something new for fear of failing.
  • Believing that a top achiever – in everything – is the only way to earn self-respect.
  • Being fixated on what is “wrong” with yourself or others.
  • Avoiding difficult or unpleasant tasks.
  • Feeling an overwhelming need to control what’s going on around you, including how others behave.
  • Feeling anxious about the dangers of what could go wrong.
  • Constantly in search of fulfillment from the next activity or challenge.
  • Extremely focused on internal negative feelings.
  • Constant desire to make things “perfect”.

 

These are just a few examples of how our saboteurs meddle with our thoughts, feelings, and responses; keeping us securely in place with preferred patterns and behaviours that lack fulfillment and hold us back from stepping into our full potential. Thankfully, I have learned about these saboteurs and have identified mine so that I can sense when they surface and minimize their impact. But that wasn’t always the case. I spent decades stewing in stress, anxiety, frustration, disappointment, and guilt. Doesn’t sound very fulfilling, does it? Truth be told, these feelings were so overwhelming that they held me back from feeling truly happy. Contentment was fleeting and I kept searching for something more sustainable until I realized the only thing in my way was me. Hmmm, I had to sit with that revelation for a while because it revealed truths that  I needed to accept in order to change my patterns.  

 

Today, as I work to tame my saboteurs through mindful practices, I also listen to others and pay attention to when their saboteurs might be speaking up. Why? Well, as a leader, I have a responsibility to be present and supportive. 

First, I need to get out of my own way by quelling the internal chatter that stirs with the sole purpose of making my life anything but connected and fulfilling. 

Second, when I see others holding themselves back with a fixed saboteur pattern, I can be both empathetic and compassionate. 

Third, I can detect when my saboteurs are interacting with someone else’s and instead of reacting negatively, I can choose to create space and re-engage at another time when we are both fully present.  

 

Listen carefully and you’re bound to identify a pattern. Awareness is the first step to reclaiming power from your saboteurs. Email me if you’d like to learn more. You’re worth it.  Get out of your way.



– Melissa Law