Roughly 15 years ago I received a copy of the book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, by Marshall Goldsmith. When I first skimmed the list of 20 transactional flaws, challenges in leadership behaviours, I felt relieved because it didn’t seem like these flaws applied to me. Then I read further. My focus grew quite intently, along with the lump of realization that was forming in my throat. Oh my, suddenly I could see me appearing in some of the explanations and examples shared by Goldsmith. So I decided to pay attention and consciously adapt my behaviours because this current course just wouldn’t suffice for the long run.
“The first sign of maturity is not reacting to others’ immaturity.” – D. Muthukrishnan
It is inevitable that we will interact with people who trigger us, especially at work. When we are triggered it is natural to react, impulsively, and to create a very useful back-and-forth dialogue that goes nowhere because each person is focused on being right, on having the last word. I am reminded of a common interaction I had with a person I worked with many years ago. This person would regularly use the phrase “If I were you, I would …” It was like hearing nails scratched along a chalkboard and I would literally cringe. Sometimes, this person would even stop me in the hall to express what they thought I should do. We worked in different departments and we had different functional goals. Finally, I used the advice of Goldsmith and following the regular rant of “If I were you, I would …”, I simply said “Thank you” while looking the person in the eye, unfrazzled and confident. That was it. The person had no response. End of the attack (that’s what it always felt like to me) and we walked away in different directions. This time however, instead of cringing, I had a smile on my face.
As diverse human beings, we hold diverse perspectives and it’s okay to share these. I encourage people to listen with openness and ask curious questions. You never know what you may learn. If the experience, however, is becoming one of repeated nuisances initiated for the sake of being right or having control, try this technique and, after listening, simply respond with “Thank you”.
There’s a variation of this technique that I use at home with my youngest teenage daughter. I used to get triggered by rants of injustice and threats of quitting school or not going to university or moving out to find a better life with no parental boundaries. Absolutely, I would get triggered and respond. Sometimes I would try to talk sensibly, sometimes exasperated, other times angry. That is, until I realized that was her rant, her way of coping in a given moment, and it wasn’t about me. So, I began the practice of responding with “Okay” and that was it. Silence would follow, space would form, and eventually we could talk and explore calmly without emotionally driven reactions. One word created the acknowledgement she craved and the space we needed because within that space was our power to sit with our emotions and thoughts, then to choose an intentional response that allowed both of us to be heard and seen, respectfully.
– Melissa
