I do not have enough fingers and toes to keep track of the countless times I have heard a leader say, “I don’t like conflict”. I suppose it is a unique person who does like it, but what causes me to pause and reflect is the context in which such leaders are referring to conflict.

Usually, it pertains to upcoming conversations that notify a person they did not get the job they applied for, their performance was below expectations, there is feedback of a constructive nature, or their role is changing (possibility even being eliminated). Sure, I can understand that such conversations may cause some nervousness because let’s face it, leadership is uncomfortable, but to consider them as conflict is to enter a conversation with an unhelpful mindset. And sadly, some leaders don’t even have these much-needed conversations. What happens then?

 

“There is something within us that responds deeply to people who level with us.”

– Susan Scott

 

Conflict refers to a serious disagreement or argument, typically lasting over a long period of time. If such conversations are believed to be conflict, then are such leaders not predetermining the outcome before even having the conversation? As a leader and a coach, I can tell you with a decent level of certainty that a leader’s mindset upon entering any conversation is of paramount importance. In this case, leaders who view such conversations as conflict will either avoid them or enter with a well-prepared defense, including responses to anticipated questions. It is already implied that assumptions and judgment are present. When this is the case, how do you think the conversation will feel?

I am quite intentional about using the word “feel” because I believe that before entering any of these conversations it’s important for a leader to pause, taking time to consider how they want to show-up and what they want to do which will ultimately impact how both parties feel after the conversation. This upfront investment of time which can take as little as a few minutes will pay dividends. It will help to keep you on track throughout the conversation should your emotions be triggered, just stick to the plan.

 

A few helpful tips I can share about preparing for a conversation that may be making you a little nervous include:

  •       Leave any assumptions behind – they are not the truth and are most likely wrong;
  •       Don’t wing it, thoughtfully plan for the conversation beforehand;
  •       Be intentional – choose how you want to be and what you will do to ensure you show-up the way you have chosen;
  •       Know your own triggers and identify how to minimize the negative impact they may have on you and the other person; and
  •       Remember that emotions are part of being human, accept them.

 

It’s okay to feel discomfort as a leader, it’s a sign that you are indeed leading. Remember to be kind and compassionate; be true to your values – they are helpful guideposts. Then have the conversation because not having it breeds disconnect, disengagement, and even resentment. Please, have the conversation.


– Melissa Law