A fellow coach whom I’d met through the benefits of networking, recommended Don Miguel Ruiz’s book to me in early 2020. After reading it over a weekend (yes, it’s that easy to read), I googled to see when this book was first published. 1997. Hmmm, I went 23 years without the simple sage advice packed into this book. Pity because it’s the simple things we often overlook. Nonetheless, I finally read the book, reflected quite deeply, and changed how I experience life. Wow! I love feeling the effects that come from a mindset shift and I am in awe by how and when this can happen.
“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
– Don Miguel Ruiz
The four agreements are utterly simple and nothing dramatically new. It’s how you sit with them, how you find resonance, and when you feel a change that delivers transformation as a person and a leader. While I have not mastered them, I am more aware and more intentional about how I show-up. Here’s a glimpse of my simple experiences with Ruiz’s agreements.
Be Impeccable With Your Word
When I assumed what this meant before reading and reflecting I went to thoughts of integrity and honesty. Okay sure, I carry values like that – surface level. Then I read further and had an aha moment. I have come to understand the power of my words, the impact they can have on me and on others. It has prompted me to be less reactive and more intentional in choosing my words because they should be used in a way that is constructive rather than one that is destructive – for myself and for others. While it sounds like something I ought to have known, I came to realize that I don’t uphold this agreement when I engage in gossip, sarcasm, or criticism. While not proud to admit, I accept that I have participated in these ways of talking and by accepting this I am able to make positive changes. Living in denial of simple truths blocks personal and professional growth.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
Some may argue that if we don’t take some things personally, like feedback, we won’t develop self-awareness. This agreement goes deeper and challenges me to differentiate between what belongs to you and what belongs to me. Taking things personally creates a defensive space, a space that is closed and unproductive, a space where thoughts of low self-esteem and blame are born. I am not responsible for the words and actions of other people, only those that belong to me and I must also choose what thoughts of my own I accept or dismiss.
The mind is our greatest asset and our biggest enemy. It has also struck me that if I take everything personally then am I not also embracing somewhat of a self-centered personality. When I think about it, the person who didn’t hold the door for me, who cut me off on the highway, who didn’t like my idea, wasn’t thinking about me. The world does not revolve around me. In these examples, I was not at the forefront of the other person’s thoughts, so why am I creating negative energy for myself?
Don’t Make Assumptions
I wrote a full blog about this earlier. Thankfully, I’ve come to learn that assumptions are not truths and the ‘drama’ that comes with them is not time well spent. Allow me a personal story here to demonstrate when I made the shift.
In December 2020, my eldest daughter had just returned home from a therapeutic boarding school. It would be our first Christmas together at home since 2018. While driving her to work I spoke about my excitement around re-engaging in some past holiday traditions. I was left speechless when she indicated that this year she was going to spend Christmas with someone else. After dropping her at work I returned home, went straight to my room, cried and spun a whole story about why she didn’t want to spend Christmas at home. I had offended her. She was mad at me. This was revenge (for what I didn’t know, but it sounded good).
I tormented myself for about 20 minutes before I stopped and questioned what was true. The truth was that I had no idea why she wanted to spend Christmas elsewhere. When I later picked my daughter up from work the first thing she said to me was, “Hey sorry about what I said earlier. I’m not sure what I was thinking. I was in a funky place and just saying thoughts out loud. I want to be at home with you for Christmas.” I am certain you can connect the dots from here. Please learn from my missteps and needless drama.
Always Do Your Best
Like me, you’ve likely heard this before – from parents, teachers, coaches. More often than not the people in our support system encourage this. The person who is most critical about what your best looks like is you. This agreement is less about satisfying people and inner thoughts; it’s more about feeling a natural sense of flow and relishing even the smallest of accomplishments. My best can look different from day-to-day, moment-to-moment. Sometimes my best is refraining from making a needlessly snarky comment when I’m feeling grumpy to delivering an engaging and impactful board presentation.
Whatever the circumstances are, I know I’ve done my best, because I wanted to do it not because I had to do it. I take pause to notice when I have done my best even when it is insignificant to others because quite honestly only I know the struggles I face, only I know when I chose the ‘better’ path, only I know when I did something I didn’t think I could do. Celebrate the small things – it feels good and encourages continuous progress.
If you’re looking for deeper fulfillment and have yet to read The Four Agreements, may I suggest you grab a copy, but don’t just read it, be sure to reflect, look for the resonance, and change whatever will bring you a greater sense of joy and meaning.
– Melissa Law
