The first mental muscle I worked on is that of self-awareness. While it seems pretty straightforward at first, may I assure you that it is not. For decades, I walked through life presenting an air of self-awareness. I knew I was assertive, confident, and driven while also being approachable, friendly, and humorous. Doesn’t that sound nice. In my forties, thanks to the honest feedback from a peer, I began to learn that I could also be intimidating. Okay, this all sounded reasonable. It wasn’t until my late forties that I finally sat down and had the most truthful and honest self-review during the hardest few years I have ever lived.
Knowledge alone cannot propel lasting and meaningful change.
– Melissa Law
Perhaps it takes a life-changing experience for one to really explore the ugly side of their presence, or maybe that was just the case for me. During some of the most stressful years of supporting my eldest daughter with her mental health, I learned that I wasn’t all that and a bag of chips. I was humbled, like never before, when I finally learned that my coping stance during stressful situations was to cast blame. It’s how I coped. Similarly, I learned that I can get quite judgmental — of self, others, and circumstance. Nasty, yet it didn’t stop there. I also realized just how controlling I could be. OMG, who was I and how had I allowed myself to live like this for so many years. No wonder I was miserable so much of the time.
Realizing this took introspection and honest conversations with those closest to me. I had to be both vulnerable and open, willing to hear and consider the way in which I showed up in times of stress. At first, I felt a bit of disbelief which later turned into sadness and a heavy feeling of guilt. Was I some kind of monster wearing a mask and occasionally playing the role of the ‘good guy’? Even with such heavy thoughts, it became an itch I had to scratch. Tell me more. Who am I, really? What did I think of all this candid self-awareness that I was developing? It was unnerving and yet also invigorating. They say that knowledge is power. What might I do with all this new knowledge I was developing?
There were new possibilities emerging during this revelation. Did these new insights align with my values, my passion, my purpose? No, they did not, and therein lies the reason why I felt unfulfilled. There were times when I showed-up in contrast to these and it left me feeling depleted, less than I was meant to be. It was time to use this self-awareness to truly create new possibilities for myself and those around me, but change isn’t easy. Knowledge alone cannot propel lasting and meaningful change. There was more work I still needed to do, and I did it. In the next blog, I will tell you about the moment the scale tipped and that I was finally ready to step into a more fulfilling life.
– Melissa Law
