As a child, teen, and even as a first-year university student, I used to watch Star Trek on a regular basis. Oddly enough, this is where my mind goes when I think about the value of space in my life today. Earlier versions of me plowed through each day and interaction at warp speed (ha – I didn’t even plan this one), living through reactions. Then I learned the value of space. The phrase “space, the final frontier” so commonly referred to in Star Trek never meant anything to me growing up. Now this phrase which refers to exploring and discovering strange new worlds resonates because when I embrace space, new possibilities and experiences emerge rather than the old hamster wheel effect I so often leaned into before. {Insert clarifying point here…No, I have not used other phrases such as “Beam me up, Scotty” or “Execute!”, and I certainly have not tried using the Volcan nerve pinch}
Space is the doorway to options and possibilities that are otherwise shut out by the impulse of reaction.
– Melissa Law
I first learned about the concept of space during the ‘parallel process’ for parents of children attending Pine River Institute. It was an a-ha moment when I realized that the absence of space in interactions with my daughter was making our relationship – during a very stressful time – much harder on both of us. Whenever I experienced an interaction that yielded emotions of discomfort, I went for the reaction and just kept nattering at my daughter until she retaliated, and we both felt terrible. Back then, I felt compelled to react with what I believed to be justified rational thought processes and – if I’m to be completely vulnerable here – attempts to change her behaviour through guilt. Some might think this is shameful, but I on the other hand think it is a very human response that many of us have indulged in even if not comfortable admitting so. When I learned to ‘give space’ it was life-changing. Instead of giving way to the lure that comes with reacting, I learned to pause and offer space for the benefit of one or both of us. Sometimes this involved saying nothing for a short period of time. Other times it meant stepping away and coming back to talk with calm, so we could both be heard and work toward a mutually respectful resolution – even if that meant honouring a difference in values and beliefs.
We all have an invisible space bubble that may be physical or emotional. Those bubbles are meant to be personal. When I reacted or insisted on articulating what I thought was the best next step, I forced myself into my daughter’s personal space, uninvited. No wonder things could so easily get heated. Giving space allows time to explore emotions felt with a level of specificity that creates connection with my value. Space is the doorway to options and possibilities that are otherwise shut out by the impulse of reaction. In next week’s blog, I’ll take it a step further to explore how I have used space to do just this.
– Melissa Law
